When I was single I thought through the kind of person I would want to settle in marriage with. I had a lot of things to consider, but one that stood out was this: I thought I was able to change my partner to be what I want. On this note I need to clarify something — I believe human beings change, but the power to change is God’s. Some get into marriage with drunkards with the hope they will ‘make’ them stop. This has led to a lot of frustration and depression.
If you’re dating or married to someone with the aim of changing them, please get on your knees and trust God for that change. Some of the lessons I have learned:
Marriage is not an evangelism strategy; it exposes the real “you”
I only imagine if I got married to an unbeliever thinking that I am going to change him… he or she is likely to go into marriage as they are.
It’s important to work on the ‘single you’. Develop yourself and deal with the past that may affect you in your marriage. My upbringing as a firstborn, and having led in different areas, had affected me — I was taught to be confident in myself, which made me think I am always right.
Marriage is the perfect example of Christ as the groom and the church as His bride
We are called to live this out: the relationship between Christ and the church. Ephesians 5:21–33 explains it all.
I think my husband had studied his role very well before we got married. (By the way, I don’t mean he is perfect — he has his flaws because he is human.)
For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean…
Ephesians 5:25–26
You cannot forgive if you don’t love God’s way
I wasn’t able to forgive — not because I didn’t love him, but because I needed to practise love God’s way.
1 Corinthians 13:4–7
- Love is patient and kind.
- Love is not jealous or boastful or proud.
- It doesn’t demand its own way.
- It is not easily angered.
- It doesn’t keep a record of wrongs.
- It doesn’t rejoice in evil but rejoices in truth.
- It never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
